Halfway

When I last blogged, our little babe was the size of a blueberry. This week, we're up to the size of a small cantaloupe. So, I figured it was time for an update! :) 

I can't decide if my pregnancy is going by fast or slow; sometimes I am amazed that we are already halfway! And then I have my moments where November still seems forever away. I am torn between wanting our baby to be here now, and wanting to protect her and keep her safe with me for a longer time. 

I feel outrageously lucky and blessed overall with the progression of my pregnancy. Of course I was nauseous, tired, fatigued, and achey from the very beginning. My body instantly began adapting for our baby, and I retained water and had a little belly right away. I felt sick, but only actually threw up one time; and that I entirely blame on food poisoning and not on baby. So, to me, that was a very surprising gift.

I found out I was pregnant in the middle of my Spring semester at college. 

I was able to complete the semester and keep working all throughout my first trimester! (Thank you, baby!!!) 

We did have a scare very early on, and it's part of our story; so into the blog it goes. I found out I was pregnant pretty early on, I think a couple days after 4 weeks. We had our first doctor's appointment at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy. It was so much more  emotional than I expected, because AT SIX WEEKS pregnant, we were able to see and hear a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I guess I never realized prior to this that there is a viable heartbeat at such early conception.

Anyway, everything looked great, and it made the pregnancy more real for us! We told our family and close friends close to this time. We talked about it and decided we would want everyone to know we were pregnant; even though some couples choose to wait until the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly. (By 14 weeks it is less than 1%) I figured, if I did have a miscarriage, I would want the support and understanding from those close to us.

The idea of miscarriage haunted me; I thought that because this baby was unexpected, it could be taken away unexpectedly, just as easily. Every little cramp or twinge I felt made me so nervous.

At about eight weeks, I started my day off with a lot of pain. I took a bath to calm my nerves, and I noticed I was bleeding. With that, I was passing blood clots, which is a really scary thing to see early in a pregnancy. I called my nurse and set up an appointment immediately. We went in, and she wanted to test my urine. 

When she came in to review the results, she apologized to me and told me there was too much blood and she couldn't process the tests. My doctor was out for the day, so she set up an ultrasound for the next morning. She was really nice and sensitive, however she told me, "If you pass anything tonight, put it in a plastic bag, refrigerate it, and bring it into your appointment tomorrow." She had just told me that if I had a miscarriage over the night, I had to put the embryo in a bag. It horrified me. I left the doctor's with the feeling that I was losing the baby.

I was so sad. There was nothing I could do, and I had no answers. Dakota was so sweet and supportive. He told me, "I just have this feeling that everything is OK. I know that our baby is alright." I had NO IDEA how he felt like that. He was so confident, and his reassurance brought me a little calm amid everything that was going on. I still had one of the most difficult nights of my life that night.

The next morning, we met with the doctor. As the ultrasound started, I was prepared for the worst. There, on the screen, was our little gummy bear, heartbeat and all.

I can't describe that feeling. I was treated for a horrible bladder infection, and told to implement pelvic rest for a while. But, our baby was OK.

The next time we had an ultrasound, Dakota and I went to find out the gender of our baby. I thought we were having a boy, I was almost sure of it. We originally were going to have a few family members with us, but Dakota asked if we could do it just ourselves; it was a little spontaneous!

We found out super early, at 14 weeks. But, the ultrasound tech had decades of experience and said he was confident he could tell us what we were having. I'll never forget the moment he turned to Dakota and said, "You better get a gun, it's a girl!" I couldn't believe it. I kept asking if he was sure. Dakota had the best reaction and was very emotional. I was glad we had that moment just between us. It was so special and sweet. We were able to do reveal parties to both of our families that weekend, and it was so fun!

Today, I definitely feel pregnant. I have gained about ten pounds so far, but I feel like I have gained twenty. :D I have the normal symptoms to be expected, back pain, leg pain, headaches... I am currently bouncing between three different jobs (I want to work as much as I can WHILE I can!), and most days start with me waking up for work between 5:30-6:30 AM... Which is DEFINITELY different than my schedule a few months ago. I feel grateful that I can still work so much!!

Dakota and I moved into our new home last month, and it has been the greatest blessing. I am seriously going into nesting mode, and am so excited to get our nursery set up soon. 

My biggest cravings are sub sandwiches, gatorade, sour candy and spaghettios. HAHA! I had not eaten spaghettios in years, and for some reason I want them all of the time. It is so gross and I can't understand it! I wonder if our baby girl will like them when she is older! :D

Overall, despite the roller coaster- the tears, the belly, the pain, the fears, and all the sacrifices already; it's worth it. It's worth it all. I know that I will blink and she will be here. And after that, time will only keep flying. So I am doing my best to take each moment for all that it's worth. It's an overwhelming and spiritual feeling to have the opportunity to carry another life within my own. I have little moments of connection with her each day.

Here's to the next twenty weeks,

blueberry.

It is a strange and exciting addiction of mine now to check my app to find out how far along my pregnancy has progressed each day.

    This morning, I hit a new 'weekly' mark, and according to this very day, my child is now as big as a blueberry.

My eyes eagerly search through all the new updates and insight on what has been taking place.

'Some of the most important growth is happening in his brain, where new brain cells are forming at the 

astounding rate of 100 per minute.'

NO WONDER I AM SO TIRED!

Baby's heart rate is faster, limb buds are developing, ears taking shape, and eyelids nearly complete.

              *                                                                *                                                                     *

    I remember a conversation at work just a few days before I took my first pregnancy test. A group of mothers were gathered together speaking to me about their past pregnancies and I distinctly remember one mom telling me, "When you're pregnant, you just know. There's instinct. I could just tell."

   Well, I for one have to say that Mother Nature is a b-word for allowing pregnancy symptoms, and symptoms that you're about to start your menstrual cycle be almost the exact same. I had what I thought were my normal clues that my period was coming; light cramps, breast tenderness, crazy emotions. But then, I noticed changes. I felt a little bit weaker; a little nausea. But more then anything, instinct. I felt different. I knew.

    Even then, the at-home pregnancy test results hit hard; a confirmation. Those two intersecting lines immediately changed the rest of my life. I'll never forget what that felt like. The most diverse range of emotions; shock, fear, happiness, anxiety, self-doubt, joy, gratitude, & just so many tears.
I took another test two hours later. And a third a few hours after that.

Positive, Positive, Positive.

    Instantly, I needed to become better for this living being that had now become part of me. I set my first doctor's appointment, found the best pre natals I could get my hands on, ran to the bookstore for some books, and prayed. a lot. 

    The nine days that then passed to get into my doctor's seemed like a month. I wanted to make sure everything was OK. I was honestly carrying a lot of guilt due to that fact that I hadn't been living like I was expecting; I was on intense fat burners, massive amounts of caffeine, heavy work outs, I had dental work and prescriptions I thought may have been harmful, we had a trip to Las Vegas, etc. I was burdened. This bean was a surprise, but now that it was a part of my life, I wanted to do everything I could to be the best Mom/Vessel of Life that I could be. I expressed all my fears and my doctor put everything at ease. I found out very early on in the pregnancy that I was expecting, and was doing everything right since I found out. He told me he wasn't worried at all. I almost cried with relief. After answering more of my questions, we went in for the first ultrasound.

    The most beautiful moment of my whole life happened that day, when the doctor showed us our little blob (haha!), and when we heard that tough nugget's heartbeat. I remember hearing the  rhythm and asking with surprise, "Is.... is that... it's (heartbeat)?"

He smiled, "Yes."

And I bawled. I think that was genuinely when everything became real. The exhaustion (and wow do I mean that..), nausea, food aversions, anxiety, weakness, horrible swelling and bloating, pains, break downs... everything became OK & worth it in those few seconds.

I couldn't believe part of that heart was mine and part was someone I loved. And it was actually THERE inside me.

   I'm not going to tell you that I'm still not freaking out. Or that I have no fears for the future. I sure as hell won't tell you I am absolutely, blissfully excited to go from training into the best shape of my life- into certainly the largest and heaviest I have ever been. I'm not going to profess that I will be the best mom ever and that I feel totally prepared for this...

I will tell you that I have never once doubted my love and adoration for this babe.

I'll tell you that this life has a reason and a purpose.

I've never been this consistently sick, but I've also never felt more alive.

I know the road ahead is paved with sacrifice and challenges but now that I am here, there is nothing I would rather do.

Here's to a healthy & happy Summer of being HUGE (& hot!).

<3 

    

 

This Is What Is Wrong with US.

Let me start off this blog post today with this;

We live in an awesome generation.

Overall, as a society, I truly believe that we are becoming more accepting of one another.

Technology spoils us; honestly, we are blessed to live in a time of such convenience. 

We are allowed the chance at such a beautiful life; we have more freedoms and opportunities and choices to make than ever before.

And it is, really, awesome.

But, what really has been eating me up, is the disadvantages that we bring upon ourselves.

I'm talking to YOU!

I saw a riveting post recently that claimed that women (and I will say I also believe this is applicable to men) today are literally judged and labeled for just about EVERY thing they do. Interests, hobbies, their recreational activity choices, career choice, what they eat, who they're dating, how much they talk about politics, what they listen to, what they wear, the amount of make up on their face (!!). 

I would like to shed some light on this situation. I know that there are people out there that can relate to me... I also know too, too many people that are contributing to this issue.

I ask, please, have an open mind and open heart. This is not aiming to offend anyone, in fact, if anything, I am trying, begging, pleading, for our generation to learn to accept and love; free of judgement.

I touch often on the topic of relationships; and this ties in to a tee. The vast majority of my "adult" life, I have been dubbed the "relationship" girl. I won't deny it. I find the most happiness when I am involved in a loving relationship. I have exceptional nurturing qualities- I like being there for someone. It's natural, it's innate, and quite frankly, I don't see this as a negative thing. Yet, so many times people have spoken with me about this and given me a negative judgment because of it. 

"You can't be alone" "You must not be happy with yourself" "You attach too easy" "You don't go out and have fun"

I flip the script and find myself single; I try 'dating' and just figure out myself and what I want, and again, people find a new label.

"You party too much" "Stuck-up" "Self-Absorbed" 

WHAT.

What I need for you to realize is that there is no winning with everyone.

That's just a hard truth, and I am not too naive to realize that I can't make everyone happy. I get it.

BAM. This quote nails it.

What I am asking is that we pull the reigns a little looser on how we view and judge others.

What really, seriously blows me away is when I learn that people have negative feelings towards me or are able to say in conversations with others  "I don't like her" when they have never even met me or had an actual conversation with me. It happens more times than I care to think about. 

blows. me. away.

People are more than their physical appearance or a story that you've heard or the person they dated or the fact that they like pumpkin spice lattes.

People are the experiences they have lived. The emotions, the feelings, the tears. They are the way they look first thing in the morning with reality hits them. They are the way they feel when they're staring up at the stars and feeling small in a huge universe. People are their heartaches. The pain they've been through. The scars that burn deep inside them that they fight every day to heal just a little more. They are the way they love the people around them. The way they sacrifice for others. They are the work ethic that gets them through the day. They are their favorite song; and what it means to them. They are their losses, their flaws, the times they messed up. But they are also their victories, their improvements, the way that they laugh.

People are NOT definable by labels.

And when you incorrectly or prematurely label someone negatively, you're not doing yourself any favors.

If anything, you're hurting yourself. You are potentially missing out on a friendship.

Above that, you're harboring negative, ugly feelings that can do nothing more than dull your own internal sparkle.

Oh, and by the way, I am absolutely not professing to be perfect in this regard. I can attest to the negativity that this can inflict on yourself because I have lived it.

But, it has been one of my major goals in my character to cease this  behavior.

Look, we all go through enough as it is. 

Life is not easy.

We each have too many burdens and tragedies and bad things going on to intentionally hurt one another with our words.

On that note, I'm assuming most people find my blog through my Facebook:

If you're struggling through anything and need someone to talk to or need a laugh or a funny meme, message me. I want to help in anyway I can. Regardless of what the past may have held for us.

I'm looking out for you, kiddos.

Let's make this crazy word a little bit better.

xoxox.

-Ruthie

>>>Down<<< (in the dumps)

I think the day that I was crying at the ending of Ice Age (a light, fun, family comedy) that I realized I was screwed. I looked around the theater; no one else was emotional. Diego had just sacrificed himself for the safety of his clan, and in that brief moment, they thought they had lost him.

And here I was, nine years old, weeping at this novel idea. So in touch with my heart and my feelings.

It sounds so immensely silly. And yet, I cherish this moment. 

But it truly was only the beginning.

I have a big heart; there I said it. 

Sometimes it's bigger than other times, but I need to acknowledge the fact that it exists. 

Sometimes I want to forget.

I think there is this hush-hush period of time right before your next birthday approaches where you do some serious self-critiquing. It's unlike New Year's reflection and resolutions. No, that day is for the whole world. Your birthday is for you. The older I get, the faster it seems these birthdays are hitting me. (WHAT is up with that?)

In four weeks and four days, yours truly will be the ripe old age of twenty-four.

and it scares the hell out of me.

Save the "Twenty-four is not even old" "You're so young" "You're still a baby"

No, I get that. I'm not saying I'm "old" so to speak, but I am definitely the oldest that I have ever been. (see?)

I hate to keep playing an old record here, but most people know I was actually engaged at 21. 

I'm not going to comment on the relationship, because I have nothing bad to say, but I will tell you that in all honesty, I was ready. The idea of marriage did not scare me. Being in love and starting a family do not scare me. And I guess ever since that fell apart, I have been patiently waiting to be in that place again.

And here I am, soon to be 24, and I have never felt so lost and far from where I want to be.

All this time has passed, and I'm left here alone scratching my head.

Ok, don't get me wrong. I have grown exceptionally in so many way. It's honestly ridiculous, and I need to see the good I have done for myself. It's funny because in these difficult times, it is the hardest for me to be proud of what I actually have accomplished.

Now, let me tell you something, I am a fairly positive person. When I say I have a big heart, it is generally a very good thing. I love love. I love to laugh for no reason, to sit and stare at the stars with a big smile on my face, to find every-day blessings to be grateful for. I don't get depressed like this very often. and I will say that is how I feel; depressed. But when I do, it hits like a wrecking ball.  

>There is a reason to my heartache and that I won't divulge too deeply in.<

I've been in this weird spiral of sadness. One thought leads to the next. And then all of a sudden I'm finding faults with myself. The mental toxicity and heartbreak reflects into all aspects of my life. I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. I didn't do well enough on the last essay I wrote. I question my career path. I question what I ate for breakfast.

YOU SEE?

It's horrible. and I know better.

Here's the thing, my lovelies, 

I have been playing victim into my own mind. Yes, we cannot control what happens to us. We cannot control what other people say. what other people do. We cannot control the rejection, disappointment, grief, loss, the trials...

but we can control how we react.

 I have let my thoughts consume me and drive me to tears, restless nights, feelings of unworthiness.

^^^^^ SEE! #onpoint

I am worthy. I am enough.

There is a difference in being conceited and in having healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

I won't even go into that this blog post, because I could go on and on and on.

The fact is, I have given parts of myself away. I have been the support for others so frequently, that when I was left alone, I realized I had no one supporting me; not even myself. 

Wow.

This life is a freakin' journey, NONE of us know what we are doing! There's no assigned steps to follow or finish lines to cross at exact times. 

and maybe, just maybe why I have found myself in such a dark place currently is because I CAN'T WAIT to be in the place that is waiting for me. 

Interesting to think about...

It's like being sad that Christmas is still a few months away.

But we can't look at it like that, because guess what, CHRISTMAS IS STILL COMING.

(I just saved a bunch of money by using a blog instead of a therapist.)

Sorry this entry has been so sloppy all over the place. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead (I think) and return to this later.

Keep your heads up, your hearts full, and your minds open.

mwah.

xoxoxoxox.

The 23 Year Old Hope(ful) Romantic: Who am I

Who I am.

I have had a lot of time recently to indulge into self thought. 
Relationships end, friends are made and also lost, jobs change, and college courses progress.
It takes a toll on who a person is.

"No body likes you when you're 23." 
I guess that is theme I have jokingly held onto; this year has easily been one of my most difficult. Not that I have endured the most trials, hardships or sadness, but that I have increasingly felt a longing for something more. I wish I was already graduated and into my ideal career, I am envious of my friends who are married, I wish I have traveled to more places by now...
It baffled and depressed me when children I used to babysit were getting married; and even more so when my younger sister got engaged.
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Who. Am. I?

It's an awkward plateau in my life, that I am sure. A mixture of "adult-ing", and still holding onto the chance I have to be young. Responsibilities are there, I independently support myself, pay all my bills, work two jobs, and put myself through school full-time. But, I allow myself the bliss and freedom of choice. Saying "yes" to spontaneous concerts. Getting a work shift covered to bask in the sun at the lake. Jumping out of an airplane. Allowing new people into my life; making genuine friends with people who were only strangers a few months ago. I've been on a mission to compliment people, do favors for them, laugh with them. It's funny, because you think it is so simple, and it is. But, for so long, I have held so much of who I am inside. I have isolated myself. I was the girl who walked through campus with my head down... Now, I am the girl who will compliment your outfit and smile at you.

Who Am I?

I am the girl who dreams of a fairy-tale love, but knows that will be hard, active work to find and maintain. I will fight every day of my life for it.
I am the girl who will watch stupid you-tube videos with you for hours, but also the girl who will talk about politics and the meaning of life and heartbreaks and if aliens are real, and how it felt the first time you told someone you loved them.
I am the girl who will drink you under the table (Grape Juice, Mom), but I am also the girl that makes sure my friends pass out with a blanket on them and a glass of water next to them.
I fall too hard too fast, and that will be my demise. I fall in love the potential I see in the ones I know.
I am the girl who will wish my ex the best, and actually mean it. (No, like... really.)
I am the girl who unintentionally goes three months without texting you back, but would still give you a kidney if need be.
I'm the girl who would drop literally everything and anything to be there for you in time of need, regardless of where our friendship stands. Sure, it is easy to say that (talk is cheap), but I literally have been that girl and proved it more times than I can count.

I'm silly.
I'm loud.
I don't sleep enough.
I have had poor self-confidence issues most of my life, and when I finally grew comfortable with myself and who I am, people unknowingly judge me as narcissistic and label me in a negative way. (Isn't that a cruel twist.)
I'm caring.
I lose myself in good music.
I have high expectations. I do. I'm working on it.
I put myself last way too often.
I have a hard time letting people go entirely.
I'm tired of too many people walking away.
I dream huge and sometimes lose sight of what I am capable of.

I've had twenty-three years to get to know myself, and I continually surprise myself and I am still learning.
It's easy for any of you to see a shiny-bright image on social media of who you think I am.. but it's not entirely the case. I retain a lot of the truly personal things in my life, which is a good thing. There's a lot of people I could call out or draw negativity to, but I refuse to.
I forgive easily.
Yet, I forgive myself the least. 

I am 23. I am a sister, a granddaughter, a daughter, an aunt, a friend. I am a lover. I am bright. I am Ruth.
This is who I am.

Who are you?

What is Love?

(baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me... *insert head bop here*)

no, but really, WHAT is love? 

Let's talk about it.

Halloween in 1991 was when I first experienced love; or so I would imagine. I got to lay my newborn eyes finally on the face of the heart I had been hearing for the past nine months. I officially got to meet my beautiful family, who at the time, consisted only of my parents, and three siblings. My mother had experienced an extremely difficult pregnancy with me, and endured the trials of a very premature baby before me. She was advised to terminate her pregnancy with me early-on, and suffered months of bed-rest and heart ache to try and keep me full-term. That being said, I can only imagine the love that was in that delivery room early that Halloween morning, when my fuzzy, healthy little head popped into this crazy world.

I mean, perhaps relating love to family is a bit obvious and over-done. 

But I can't think of a great, new, unique term for the feelings that I have for my family. I could elaborate on this for a while, and I think I just might over several other blog posts. But I digress...

Romantic Love...

Cue the roses, the Princess in the ball gown, the happily ever after...

Actually, don't. Because that is not my experience at all. "Dating" (if you could call it that) in high school for me was pretty non-existent. I can safely say I never experienced that gut-wrenching, can't sleep, can't eat, "young love" that some do during their teens. I moved right before starting high school, so not only was I the awkward, puberty-battling, braces-bearing kid, I was the new kid. *shudder* I can't tell you how many lunches I ate alone, how many times I walked through the hallways, just trying to get through day by day. 

I did have a relationship my senior year, though it was short and, quite frankly, terrible. He threatened to break up with me if he couldn't take my virginity. I pointed him towards the exit door. And that was that.

I was a relatively good kid in high school; I didn't dabble into the "party scene", I was home by curfew, I went to church every Sunday (I even graduated with a 4-year LDS Seminary certificate). I worked a part-time job since the day I turned 16. I had very little freedom, but I will admit that I respect and love my parents for the way they raised me. I grew up with values, a moral compass, and I stayed out of trouble.

After graduation, I moved onward to college to pursue independence. The first weekend after I moved, I met the boy at the pool who I honestly would have to refer to as my first encounter with love. It was turbulent. A roller-coaster. The ups were up and the downs were certainly down. He was my best friend for almost two years. He showed me what it was like to have someone there. He was the first man in my life who chose to stay with me and actually call me "his". 

In our generation, it's cool to talk badly about a previous love. "Ex-Bashing". I hate it, honestly.

Our relationship deteriorated. But to this day, I hold a certain gratitude to him. And not just the back-handed "THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME WHAT I DON'T WANT" bitterness that is rampant with exes. No, seriously, I'm grateful for him.

He taught me how to put someone else before myself. How to emotionally, mentally, unconditionally be there for someone. 

He was my first "I love you" exchange, and I will never forget what that felt like. As with most relationships, there were bad times, but there were so many great memories that I cherish and am happy to have had.

With all this being said, I do not hold regrets or "what-if's" towards this relationship. I genuinely believe we needed each other, temporarily, to progress and advance to our next places in life. We learned so much about ourselves while we were together. We both moved on afterwards, and I haven't looked back. I really, actually mean it when I say I wish the best for him. And I can say that towards each of my previous relationships.

I get that bad things happen, that relationships can be toxic. That you might leave a relationship feeling empty. That there are moments you might "HATE" this person, that the pain is unbearable..

However, I can't say that I have ever had a relationship that eventually I'm not grateful for. I have grown and learned so many unique things from these relationships, that have truly only made me better. Love. I thought that entering dating would teach me how to LOVE someone else, but it also has taught me so much how to love myself.

More thoughts on all this later,

Best Wishes,

Ruth

To My Future Child

1/28/15

To my future child,

I can’t wait to meet you.

I don’t know you. Yet. I’m not pregnant. In fact, you’re not even a microscopic twinkle in my eye. I am currently a twenty-three year old college student, and the epitome of sad, stereo-typical, micro-waving-my-dinner-every-night, single as single gets. I’m not ready for you yet, and you’re not ready for me. But; I think about you all the time.

You’re perfect. I don’t know if you will be a boy or a girl, if you will have my green eyes, or if you’ll even have two legs.

 But, I promise, you’re perfect.

Ever since I can remember, I have thought about having children. Even before realizing that I would need a partner-in-crime, a “prince”, a father to my children. I thought about babies and being a Mom. My earliest memories are of rocking my baby dolls until the sun came up.

I know a lot of women say that. I mean, it’s overtly natural to who we are, literally what we are made of. Right? I’ve always just felt an overwhelming pull towards the idea, though. I asked to hold babies as soon as I figured I was old enough. At twelve years old, I was the neighborhood babysitter. I remember being put in charge of kids even just a few years younger than me. Someone once told me, when I was very young, that you had to be eighteen to legally get married. Instantly, I had the plan to fall in love in high school, get married as soon as I could, and have babies as soon as I could. I’m serious. As a young girl, I counted down the years until I was eighteen.

I know, at this point, you are probably laughing. I hope you are. As I write this, I am holding back tears. But, I hope you are laughing.

I didn’t get married at 18. Five years have passed since, and I have no idea how close or how far I am to you. But, that’s ok. It’s ok because I promise once you are here, you will be the most loved little bundle of baby sweetness and cuteness that ever existed.

Right now, though, right now I am thinking about you.

My mind is currently exhausted: from school, from life, from work, from my own emotions. And maybe that’s why I am writing you a letter in the wee early hours of a school night. My floor is covered in laundry, my hair is a disaster, and I physically look as exhausted as I mentally feel.

I know, by the time you will be able to read this, you will know this version of me. I cannot promise you, little one, that there won’t be piles of laundry. Our house won’t be clean 100% of the time, I will probably be grumpy due to sleep deprivation, hunger, or just irritation. I don’t know who your father will be, but I guarantee, no matter how perfect he might be (fingers crossed) he will probably still make me upset sometimes, and you might have to witness it.

That being said, I want to emphasize something to you. Love. I don’t know much about it yet, considering I haven’t laid eyes on you. What I do know, is that I am waiting to let that real love happen for me. I’m not rushing into it, yet, because you deserve time. You deserve the best Mom I can be to you, which is why I am OK with getting a little bit older, a little bit (I think) wiser, and I’m going to take my time finding your dad.

This life has not gone to “plan” for me, and I hope that’s one of the lessons I can pass on to you. I never want you to feel like you have failed if life has taken a change you did not expect. Patience is truly a virtue, and it’s a tough one to really conquer. I used to feel like a failure because it’s taking me so long to find you. And, well, it might take me a lot (A LOT) longer to figure this whole deal out, but I have come to peace with it.

You will be my whole life.

Oh, I’ll still have a career (I’m working my booty off to get it), that I will love, and I swear I will be completely, unfathomly, crazy in love with your dad. I know you’ll see it (and probably be grossed out when we make kissy faces to each other), and however much you possibly could even begin to imagine or think how much I love your dad, will most likely just be the tip of the iceberg of my feelings for him.

But all that gross stuff aside, you will be my whole life, sweet thing. You’ll be my thoughts, my heart, my dreams.

I can’t wait to meet you. But, actually, I can wait. Because, you are worth waiting for.