>>>Down<<< (in the dumps)

I think the day that I was crying at the ending of Ice Age (a light, fun, family comedy) that I realized I was screwed. I looked around the theater; no one else was emotional. Diego had just sacrificed himself for the safety of his clan, and in that brief moment, they thought they had lost him.

And here I was, nine years old, weeping at this novel idea. So in touch with my heart and my feelings.

It sounds so immensely silly. And yet, I cherish this moment. 

But it truly was only the beginning.

I have a big heart; there I said it. 

Sometimes it's bigger than other times, but I need to acknowledge the fact that it exists. 

Sometimes I want to forget.

I think there is this hush-hush period of time right before your next birthday approaches where you do some serious self-critiquing. It's unlike New Year's reflection and resolutions. No, that day is for the whole world. Your birthday is for you. The older I get, the faster it seems these birthdays are hitting me. (WHAT is up with that?)

In four weeks and four days, yours truly will be the ripe old age of twenty-four.

and it scares the hell out of me.

Save the "Twenty-four is not even old" "You're so young" "You're still a baby"

No, I get that. I'm not saying I'm "old" so to speak, but I am definitely the oldest that I have ever been. (see?)

I hate to keep playing an old record here, but most people know I was actually engaged at 21. 

I'm not going to comment on the relationship, because I have nothing bad to say, but I will tell you that in all honesty, I was ready. The idea of marriage did not scare me. Being in love and starting a family do not scare me. And I guess ever since that fell apart, I have been patiently waiting to be in that place again.

And here I am, soon to be 24, and I have never felt so lost and far from where I want to be.

All this time has passed, and I'm left here alone scratching my head.

Ok, don't get me wrong. I have grown exceptionally in so many way. It's honestly ridiculous, and I need to see the good I have done for myself. It's funny because in these difficult times, it is the hardest for me to be proud of what I actually have accomplished.

Now, let me tell you something, I am a fairly positive person. When I say I have a big heart, it is generally a very good thing. I love love. I love to laugh for no reason, to sit and stare at the stars with a big smile on my face, to find every-day blessings to be grateful for. I don't get depressed like this very often. and I will say that is how I feel; depressed. But when I do, it hits like a wrecking ball.  

>There is a reason to my heartache and that I won't divulge too deeply in.<

I've been in this weird spiral of sadness. One thought leads to the next. And then all of a sudden I'm finding faults with myself. The mental toxicity and heartbreak reflects into all aspects of my life. I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. I didn't do well enough on the last essay I wrote. I question my career path. I question what I ate for breakfast.

YOU SEE?

It's horrible. and I know better.

Here's the thing, my lovelies, 

I have been playing victim into my own mind. Yes, we cannot control what happens to us. We cannot control what other people say. what other people do. We cannot control the rejection, disappointment, grief, loss, the trials...

but we can control how we react.

 I have let my thoughts consume me and drive me to tears, restless nights, feelings of unworthiness.

^^^^^ SEE! #onpoint

I am worthy. I am enough.

There is a difference in being conceited and in having healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

I won't even go into that this blog post, because I could go on and on and on.

The fact is, I have given parts of myself away. I have been the support for others so frequently, that when I was left alone, I realized I had no one supporting me; not even myself. 

Wow.

This life is a freakin' journey, NONE of us know what we are doing! There's no assigned steps to follow or finish lines to cross at exact times. 

and maybe, just maybe why I have found myself in such a dark place currently is because I CAN'T WAIT to be in the place that is waiting for me. 

Interesting to think about...

It's like being sad that Christmas is still a few months away.

But we can't look at it like that, because guess what, CHRISTMAS IS STILL COMING.

(I just saved a bunch of money by using a blog instead of a therapist.)

Sorry this entry has been so sloppy all over the place. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead (I think) and return to this later.

Keep your heads up, your hearts full, and your minds open.

mwah.

xoxoxoxox.