blueberry.

It is a strange and exciting addiction of mine now to check my app to find out how far along my pregnancy has progressed each day.

    This morning, I hit a new 'weekly' mark, and according to this very day, my child is now as big as a blueberry.

My eyes eagerly search through all the new updates and insight on what has been taking place.

'Some of the most important growth is happening in his brain, where new brain cells are forming at the 

astounding rate of 100 per minute.'

NO WONDER I AM SO TIRED!

Baby's heart rate is faster, limb buds are developing, ears taking shape, and eyelids nearly complete.

              *                                                                *                                                                     *

    I remember a conversation at work just a few days before I took my first pregnancy test. A group of mothers were gathered together speaking to me about their past pregnancies and I distinctly remember one mom telling me, "When you're pregnant, you just know. There's instinct. I could just tell."

   Well, I for one have to say that Mother Nature is a b-word for allowing pregnancy symptoms, and symptoms that you're about to start your menstrual cycle be almost the exact same. I had what I thought were my normal clues that my period was coming; light cramps, breast tenderness, crazy emotions. But then, I noticed changes. I felt a little bit weaker; a little nausea. But more then anything, instinct. I felt different. I knew.

    Even then, the at-home pregnancy test results hit hard; a confirmation. Those two intersecting lines immediately changed the rest of my life. I'll never forget what that felt like. The most diverse range of emotions; shock, fear, happiness, anxiety, self-doubt, joy, gratitude, & just so many tears.
I took another test two hours later. And a third a few hours after that.

Positive, Positive, Positive.

    Instantly, I needed to become better for this living being that had now become part of me. I set my first doctor's appointment, found the best pre natals I could get my hands on, ran to the bookstore for some books, and prayed. a lot. 

    The nine days that then passed to get into my doctor's seemed like a month. I wanted to make sure everything was OK. I was honestly carrying a lot of guilt due to that fact that I hadn't been living like I was expecting; I was on intense fat burners, massive amounts of caffeine, heavy work outs, I had dental work and prescriptions I thought may have been harmful, we had a trip to Las Vegas, etc. I was burdened. This bean was a surprise, but now that it was a part of my life, I wanted to do everything I could to be the best Mom/Vessel of Life that I could be. I expressed all my fears and my doctor put everything at ease. I found out very early on in the pregnancy that I was expecting, and was doing everything right since I found out. He told me he wasn't worried at all. I almost cried with relief. After answering more of my questions, we went in for the first ultrasound.

    The most beautiful moment of my whole life happened that day, when the doctor showed us our little blob (haha!), and when we heard that tough nugget's heartbeat. I remember hearing the  rhythm and asking with surprise, "Is.... is that... it's (heartbeat)?"

He smiled, "Yes."

And I bawled. I think that was genuinely when everything became real. The exhaustion (and wow do I mean that..), nausea, food aversions, anxiety, weakness, horrible swelling and bloating, pains, break downs... everything became OK & worth it in those few seconds.

I couldn't believe part of that heart was mine and part was someone I loved. And it was actually THERE inside me.

   I'm not going to tell you that I'm still not freaking out. Or that I have no fears for the future. I sure as hell won't tell you I am absolutely, blissfully excited to go from training into the best shape of my life- into certainly the largest and heaviest I have ever been. I'm not going to profess that I will be the best mom ever and that I feel totally prepared for this...

I will tell you that I have never once doubted my love and adoration for this babe.

I'll tell you that this life has a reason and a purpose.

I've never been this consistently sick, but I've also never felt more alive.

I know the road ahead is paved with sacrifice and challenges but now that I am here, there is nothing I would rather do.

Here's to a healthy & happy Summer of being HUGE (& hot!).

<3