Halfway

When I last blogged, our little babe was the size of a blueberry. This week, we're up to the size of a small cantaloupe. So, I figured it was time for an update! :) 

I can't decide if my pregnancy is going by fast or slow; sometimes I am amazed that we are already halfway! And then I have my moments where November still seems forever away. I am torn between wanting our baby to be here now, and wanting to protect her and keep her safe with me for a longer time. 

I feel outrageously lucky and blessed overall with the progression of my pregnancy. Of course I was nauseous, tired, fatigued, and achey from the very beginning. My body instantly began adapting for our baby, and I retained water and had a little belly right away. I felt sick, but only actually threw up one time; and that I entirely blame on food poisoning and not on baby. So, to me, that was a very surprising gift.

I found out I was pregnant in the middle of my Spring semester at college. 

I was able to complete the semester and keep working all throughout my first trimester! (Thank you, baby!!!) 

We did have a scare very early on, and it's part of our story; so into the blog it goes. I found out I was pregnant pretty early on, I think a couple days after 4 weeks. We had our first doctor's appointment at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy. It was so much more  emotional than I expected, because AT SIX WEEKS pregnant, we were able to see and hear a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I guess I never realized prior to this that there is a viable heartbeat at such early conception.

Anyway, everything looked great, and it made the pregnancy more real for us! We told our family and close friends close to this time. We talked about it and decided we would want everyone to know we were pregnant; even though some couples choose to wait until the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly. (By 14 weeks it is less than 1%) I figured, if I did have a miscarriage, I would want the support and understanding from those close to us.

The idea of miscarriage haunted me; I thought that because this baby was unexpected, it could be taken away unexpectedly, just as easily. Every little cramp or twinge I felt made me so nervous.

At about eight weeks, I started my day off with a lot of pain. I took a bath to calm my nerves, and I noticed I was bleeding. With that, I was passing blood clots, which is a really scary thing to see early in a pregnancy. I called my nurse and set up an appointment immediately. We went in, and she wanted to test my urine. 

When she came in to review the results, she apologized to me and told me there was too much blood and she couldn't process the tests. My doctor was out for the day, so she set up an ultrasound for the next morning. She was really nice and sensitive, however she told me, "If you pass anything tonight, put it in a plastic bag, refrigerate it, and bring it into your appointment tomorrow." She had just told me that if I had a miscarriage over the night, I had to put the embryo in a bag. It horrified me. I left the doctor's with the feeling that I was losing the baby.

I was so sad. There was nothing I could do, and I had no answers. Dakota was so sweet and supportive. He told me, "I just have this feeling that everything is OK. I know that our baby is alright." I had NO IDEA how he felt like that. He was so confident, and his reassurance brought me a little calm amid everything that was going on. I still had one of the most difficult nights of my life that night.

The next morning, we met with the doctor. As the ultrasound started, I was prepared for the worst. There, on the screen, was our little gummy bear, heartbeat and all.

I can't describe that feeling. I was treated for a horrible bladder infection, and told to implement pelvic rest for a while. But, our baby was OK.

The next time we had an ultrasound, Dakota and I went to find out the gender of our baby. I thought we were having a boy, I was almost sure of it. We originally were going to have a few family members with us, but Dakota asked if we could do it just ourselves; it was a little spontaneous!

We found out super early, at 14 weeks. But, the ultrasound tech had decades of experience and said he was confident he could tell us what we were having. I'll never forget the moment he turned to Dakota and said, "You better get a gun, it's a girl!" I couldn't believe it. I kept asking if he was sure. Dakota had the best reaction and was very emotional. I was glad we had that moment just between us. It was so special and sweet. We were able to do reveal parties to both of our families that weekend, and it was so fun!

Today, I definitely feel pregnant. I have gained about ten pounds so far, but I feel like I have gained twenty. :D I have the normal symptoms to be expected, back pain, leg pain, headaches... I am currently bouncing between three different jobs (I want to work as much as I can WHILE I can!), and most days start with me waking up for work between 5:30-6:30 AM... Which is DEFINITELY different than my schedule a few months ago. I feel grateful that I can still work so much!!

Dakota and I moved into our new home last month, and it has been the greatest blessing. I am seriously going into nesting mode, and am so excited to get our nursery set up soon. 

My biggest cravings are sub sandwiches, gatorade, sour candy and spaghettios. HAHA! I had not eaten spaghettios in years, and for some reason I want them all of the time. It is so gross and I can't understand it! I wonder if our baby girl will like them when she is older! :D

Overall, despite the roller coaster- the tears, the belly, the pain, the fears, and all the sacrifices already; it's worth it. It's worth it all. I know that I will blink and she will be here. And after that, time will only keep flying. So I am doing my best to take each moment for all that it's worth. It's an overwhelming and spiritual feeling to have the opportunity to carry another life within my own. I have little moments of connection with her each day.

Here's to the next twenty weeks,

blueberry.

It is a strange and exciting addiction of mine now to check my app to find out how far along my pregnancy has progressed each day.

    This morning, I hit a new 'weekly' mark, and according to this very day, my child is now as big as a blueberry.

My eyes eagerly search through all the new updates and insight on what has been taking place.

'Some of the most important growth is happening in his brain, where new brain cells are forming at the 

astounding rate of 100 per minute.'

NO WONDER I AM SO TIRED!

Baby's heart rate is faster, limb buds are developing, ears taking shape, and eyelids nearly complete.

              *                                                                *                                                                     *

    I remember a conversation at work just a few days before I took my first pregnancy test. A group of mothers were gathered together speaking to me about their past pregnancies and I distinctly remember one mom telling me, "When you're pregnant, you just know. There's instinct. I could just tell."

   Well, I for one have to say that Mother Nature is a b-word for allowing pregnancy symptoms, and symptoms that you're about to start your menstrual cycle be almost the exact same. I had what I thought were my normal clues that my period was coming; light cramps, breast tenderness, crazy emotions. But then, I noticed changes. I felt a little bit weaker; a little nausea. But more then anything, instinct. I felt different. I knew.

    Even then, the at-home pregnancy test results hit hard; a confirmation. Those two intersecting lines immediately changed the rest of my life. I'll never forget what that felt like. The most diverse range of emotions; shock, fear, happiness, anxiety, self-doubt, joy, gratitude, & just so many tears.
I took another test two hours later. And a third a few hours after that.

Positive, Positive, Positive.

    Instantly, I needed to become better for this living being that had now become part of me. I set my first doctor's appointment, found the best pre natals I could get my hands on, ran to the bookstore for some books, and prayed. a lot. 

    The nine days that then passed to get into my doctor's seemed like a month. I wanted to make sure everything was OK. I was honestly carrying a lot of guilt due to that fact that I hadn't been living like I was expecting; I was on intense fat burners, massive amounts of caffeine, heavy work outs, I had dental work and prescriptions I thought may have been harmful, we had a trip to Las Vegas, etc. I was burdened. This bean was a surprise, but now that it was a part of my life, I wanted to do everything I could to be the best Mom/Vessel of Life that I could be. I expressed all my fears and my doctor put everything at ease. I found out very early on in the pregnancy that I was expecting, and was doing everything right since I found out. He told me he wasn't worried at all. I almost cried with relief. After answering more of my questions, we went in for the first ultrasound.

    The most beautiful moment of my whole life happened that day, when the doctor showed us our little blob (haha!), and when we heard that tough nugget's heartbeat. I remember hearing the  rhythm and asking with surprise, "Is.... is that... it's (heartbeat)?"

He smiled, "Yes."

And I bawled. I think that was genuinely when everything became real. The exhaustion (and wow do I mean that..), nausea, food aversions, anxiety, weakness, horrible swelling and bloating, pains, break downs... everything became OK & worth it in those few seconds.

I couldn't believe part of that heart was mine and part was someone I loved. And it was actually THERE inside me.

   I'm not going to tell you that I'm still not freaking out. Or that I have no fears for the future. I sure as hell won't tell you I am absolutely, blissfully excited to go from training into the best shape of my life- into certainly the largest and heaviest I have ever been. I'm not going to profess that I will be the best mom ever and that I feel totally prepared for this...

I will tell you that I have never once doubted my love and adoration for this babe.

I'll tell you that this life has a reason and a purpose.

I've never been this consistently sick, but I've also never felt more alive.

I know the road ahead is paved with sacrifice and challenges but now that I am here, there is nothing I would rather do.

Here's to a healthy & happy Summer of being HUGE (& hot!).

<3