>>>Down<<< (in the dumps)

I think the day that I was crying at the ending of Ice Age (a light, fun, family comedy) that I realized I was screwed. I looked around the theater; no one else was emotional. Diego had just sacrificed himself for the safety of his clan, and in that brief moment, they thought they had lost him.

And here I was, nine years old, weeping at this novel idea. So in touch with my heart and my feelings.

It sounds so immensely silly. And yet, I cherish this moment. 

But it truly was only the beginning.

I have a big heart; there I said it. 

Sometimes it's bigger than other times, but I need to acknowledge the fact that it exists. 

Sometimes I want to forget.

I think there is this hush-hush period of time right before your next birthday approaches where you do some serious self-critiquing. It's unlike New Year's reflection and resolutions. No, that day is for the whole world. Your birthday is for you. The older I get, the faster it seems these birthdays are hitting me. (WHAT is up with that?)

In four weeks and four days, yours truly will be the ripe old age of twenty-four.

and it scares the hell out of me.

Save the "Twenty-four is not even old" "You're so young" "You're still a baby"

No, I get that. I'm not saying I'm "old" so to speak, but I am definitely the oldest that I have ever been. (see?)

I hate to keep playing an old record here, but most people know I was actually engaged at 21. 

I'm not going to comment on the relationship, because I have nothing bad to say, but I will tell you that in all honesty, I was ready. The idea of marriage did not scare me. Being in love and starting a family do not scare me. And I guess ever since that fell apart, I have been patiently waiting to be in that place again.

And here I am, soon to be 24, and I have never felt so lost and far from where I want to be.

All this time has passed, and I'm left here alone scratching my head.

Ok, don't get me wrong. I have grown exceptionally in so many way. It's honestly ridiculous, and I need to see the good I have done for myself. It's funny because in these difficult times, it is the hardest for me to be proud of what I actually have accomplished.

Now, let me tell you something, I am a fairly positive person. When I say I have a big heart, it is generally a very good thing. I love love. I love to laugh for no reason, to sit and stare at the stars with a big smile on my face, to find every-day blessings to be grateful for. I don't get depressed like this very often. and I will say that is how I feel; depressed. But when I do, it hits like a wrecking ball.  

>There is a reason to my heartache and that I won't divulge too deeply in.<

I've been in this weird spiral of sadness. One thought leads to the next. And then all of a sudden I'm finding faults with myself. The mental toxicity and heartbreak reflects into all aspects of my life. I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. I didn't do well enough on the last essay I wrote. I question my career path. I question what I ate for breakfast.

YOU SEE?

It's horrible. and I know better.

Here's the thing, my lovelies, 

I have been playing victim into my own mind. Yes, we cannot control what happens to us. We cannot control what other people say. what other people do. We cannot control the rejection, disappointment, grief, loss, the trials...

but we can control how we react.

 I have let my thoughts consume me and drive me to tears, restless nights, feelings of unworthiness.

^^^^^ SEE! #onpoint

I am worthy. I am enough.

There is a difference in being conceited and in having healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

I won't even go into that this blog post, because I could go on and on and on.

The fact is, I have given parts of myself away. I have been the support for others so frequently, that when I was left alone, I realized I had no one supporting me; not even myself. 

Wow.

This life is a freakin' journey, NONE of us know what we are doing! There's no assigned steps to follow or finish lines to cross at exact times. 

and maybe, just maybe why I have found myself in such a dark place currently is because I CAN'T WAIT to be in the place that is waiting for me. 

Interesting to think about...

It's like being sad that Christmas is still a few months away.

But we can't look at it like that, because guess what, CHRISTMAS IS STILL COMING.

(I just saved a bunch of money by using a blog instead of a therapist.)

Sorry this entry has been so sloppy all over the place. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead (I think) and return to this later.

Keep your heads up, your hearts full, and your minds open.

mwah.

xoxoxoxox.

The 23 Year Old Hope(ful) Romantic: Who am I

Who I am.

I have had a lot of time recently to indulge into self thought. 
Relationships end, friends are made and also lost, jobs change, and college courses progress.
It takes a toll on who a person is.

"No body likes you when you're 23." 
I guess that is theme I have jokingly held onto; this year has easily been one of my most difficult. Not that I have endured the most trials, hardships or sadness, but that I have increasingly felt a longing for something more. I wish I was already graduated and into my ideal career, I am envious of my friends who are married, I wish I have traveled to more places by now...
It baffled and depressed me when children I used to babysit were getting married; and even more so when my younger sister got engaged.
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Who. Am. I?

It's an awkward plateau in my life, that I am sure. A mixture of "adult-ing", and still holding onto the chance I have to be young. Responsibilities are there, I independently support myself, pay all my bills, work two jobs, and put myself through school full-time. But, I allow myself the bliss and freedom of choice. Saying "yes" to spontaneous concerts. Getting a work shift covered to bask in the sun at the lake. Jumping out of an airplane. Allowing new people into my life; making genuine friends with people who were only strangers a few months ago. I've been on a mission to compliment people, do favors for them, laugh with them. It's funny, because you think it is so simple, and it is. But, for so long, I have held so much of who I am inside. I have isolated myself. I was the girl who walked through campus with my head down... Now, I am the girl who will compliment your outfit and smile at you.

Who Am I?

I am the girl who dreams of a fairy-tale love, but knows that will be hard, active work to find and maintain. I will fight every day of my life for it.
I am the girl who will watch stupid you-tube videos with you for hours, but also the girl who will talk about politics and the meaning of life and heartbreaks and if aliens are real, and how it felt the first time you told someone you loved them.
I am the girl who will drink you under the table (Grape Juice, Mom), but I am also the girl that makes sure my friends pass out with a blanket on them and a glass of water next to them.
I fall too hard too fast, and that will be my demise. I fall in love the potential I see in the ones I know.
I am the girl who will wish my ex the best, and actually mean it. (No, like... really.)
I am the girl who unintentionally goes three months without texting you back, but would still give you a kidney if need be.
I'm the girl who would drop literally everything and anything to be there for you in time of need, regardless of where our friendship stands. Sure, it is easy to say that (talk is cheap), but I literally have been that girl and proved it more times than I can count.

I'm silly.
I'm loud.
I don't sleep enough.
I have had poor self-confidence issues most of my life, and when I finally grew comfortable with myself and who I am, people unknowingly judge me as narcissistic and label me in a negative way. (Isn't that a cruel twist.)
I'm caring.
I lose myself in good music.
I have high expectations. I do. I'm working on it.
I put myself last way too often.
I have a hard time letting people go entirely.
I'm tired of too many people walking away.
I dream huge and sometimes lose sight of what I am capable of.

I've had twenty-three years to get to know myself, and I continually surprise myself and I am still learning.
It's easy for any of you to see a shiny-bright image on social media of who you think I am.. but it's not entirely the case. I retain a lot of the truly personal things in my life, which is a good thing. There's a lot of people I could call out or draw negativity to, but I refuse to.
I forgive easily.
Yet, I forgive myself the least. 

I am 23. I am a sister, a granddaughter, a daughter, an aunt, a friend. I am a lover. I am bright. I am Ruth.
This is who I am.

Who are you?