What is Love?

(baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me... *insert head bop here*)

no, but really, WHAT is love? 

Let's talk about it.

Halloween in 1991 was when I first experienced love; or so I would imagine. I got to lay my newborn eyes finally on the face of the heart I had been hearing for the past nine months. I officially got to meet my beautiful family, who at the time, consisted only of my parents, and three siblings. My mother had experienced an extremely difficult pregnancy with me, and endured the trials of a very premature baby before me. She was advised to terminate her pregnancy with me early-on, and suffered months of bed-rest and heart ache to try and keep me full-term. That being said, I can only imagine the love that was in that delivery room early that Halloween morning, when my fuzzy, healthy little head popped into this crazy world.

I mean, perhaps relating love to family is a bit obvious and over-done. 

But I can't think of a great, new, unique term for the feelings that I have for my family. I could elaborate on this for a while, and I think I just might over several other blog posts. But I digress...

Romantic Love...

Cue the roses, the Princess in the ball gown, the happily ever after...

Actually, don't. Because that is not my experience at all. "Dating" (if you could call it that) in high school for me was pretty non-existent. I can safely say I never experienced that gut-wrenching, can't sleep, can't eat, "young love" that some do during their teens. I moved right before starting high school, so not only was I the awkward, puberty-battling, braces-bearing kid, I was the new kid. *shudder* I can't tell you how many lunches I ate alone, how many times I walked through the hallways, just trying to get through day by day. 

I did have a relationship my senior year, though it was short and, quite frankly, terrible. He threatened to break up with me if he couldn't take my virginity. I pointed him towards the exit door. And that was that.

I was a relatively good kid in high school; I didn't dabble into the "party scene", I was home by curfew, I went to church every Sunday (I even graduated with a 4-year LDS Seminary certificate). I worked a part-time job since the day I turned 16. I had very little freedom, but I will admit that I respect and love my parents for the way they raised me. I grew up with values, a moral compass, and I stayed out of trouble.

After graduation, I moved onward to college to pursue independence. The first weekend after I moved, I met the boy at the pool who I honestly would have to refer to as my first encounter with love. It was turbulent. A roller-coaster. The ups were up and the downs were certainly down. He was my best friend for almost two years. He showed me what it was like to have someone there. He was the first man in my life who chose to stay with me and actually call me "his". 

In our generation, it's cool to talk badly about a previous love. "Ex-Bashing". I hate it, honestly.

Our relationship deteriorated. But to this day, I hold a certain gratitude to him. And not just the back-handed "THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME WHAT I DON'T WANT" bitterness that is rampant with exes. No, seriously, I'm grateful for him.

He taught me how to put someone else before myself. How to emotionally, mentally, unconditionally be there for someone. 

He was my first "I love you" exchange, and I will never forget what that felt like. As with most relationships, there were bad times, but there were so many great memories that I cherish and am happy to have had.

With all this being said, I do not hold regrets or "what-if's" towards this relationship. I genuinely believe we needed each other, temporarily, to progress and advance to our next places in life. We learned so much about ourselves while we were together. We both moved on afterwards, and I haven't looked back. I really, actually mean it when I say I wish the best for him. And I can say that towards each of my previous relationships.

I get that bad things happen, that relationships can be toxic. That you might leave a relationship feeling empty. That there are moments you might "HATE" this person, that the pain is unbearable..

However, I can't say that I have ever had a relationship that eventually I'm not grateful for. I have grown and learned so many unique things from these relationships, that have truly only made me better. Love. I thought that entering dating would teach me how to LOVE someone else, but it also has taught me so much how to love myself.

More thoughts on all this later,

Best Wishes,

Ruth